“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.