Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.