*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
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My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you