i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel