ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
lot going on here, legally speaking.
We all have our pet causes.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”