The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
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Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Never be a pizza!
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me