8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Bro what is this
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…