Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
You Might Also Like
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Money is the root of all wealth
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?