Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.