9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
You Might Also Like
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Eat…
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”