Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
You Might Also Like
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.