Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Looking at you, Jesus.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Who.
Did.
This?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.