I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.