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A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.