Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
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Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I created you as mosquito food.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.