jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
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My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it