Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
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Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
never deleting this app.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.