According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
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MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Sing it!
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell