It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
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People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”