Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
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You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
nyc:
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
(by @ZachWeiner )
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
This is the one
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.