**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
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why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known