Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be