banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
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13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”