There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.