For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
You Might Also Like
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Why am I like this?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged