[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
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If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.