Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
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Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine