friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands