Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Saw your ex at the shops
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.