1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku