hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Straight people are cancelled
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.