ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry