You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
There is wisdom there.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.