[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
hi why am I like this
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding