Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago