Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
me before I type out affect or effect
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.