I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
You Might Also Like
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.