The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché