Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
You are not alone 💚
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Finally!
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?