Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
You Might Also Like
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.