It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Tuesday
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Canadian owl: Eh?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
pep talk
The second world war should have been called world war returns
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.