Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Today’s Times
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.