I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
🌱🌱🌱
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin