You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me: [2013] I don鈥檛 trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we鈥檙e moving in together to become paranormal investigators
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Everyone likes rough sex until it鈥檚 on an IKEA bunk bed.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
This is Facts right here 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?