One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
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Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I believe the plural is “milves.”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.