[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
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me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.