Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory