MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
You Might Also Like
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
constantly working on myself.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW