SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
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I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?