me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
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“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved